The Big Boss

February 14, 2003

Valentines Day, 6th Grade.

Max, being Kim's legal name, was my mom's Valentines gift to me and my brother. I was 12 (turning 13) and my brother was 13 (turning 14) when he came to our lives. As mawkish as it sounds, I really feel that the song How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano is one of the songs I dedicate to Kim boy. Seriously, how did he know we needed someone like him in our lives? That there were empty spaces in our hearts? He came at the right time in our lives. I'll never forget how he brought the sun to shine in our lives; and took all the worries and fears that we had.

Kim boy is a pure breed German Shepherd. Before we had Kim, we had Pongo (in the Philippines we usually call his breed the "askal" meaning "asong kalye" or street dog. Otherwise, he's a mutt), Pearly (she was an askal given to me by our neighbor who died after 2 mos), Mikey (another askal/mutt who's still with us now but isn't really friends with anyone), and Bambi (a bulldog who stayed with us only for several months). That's four dogs before him, and he beat them in all aspects. Being probably the most expensive breed of the bunch, he really is the smartest. You would usually see German Shepherds as dogs who smell you/your things upon entering a hotel or a mall, go after bad guys, etc. They're really smart, and they're really guard dogs. Real dogs. Given that they're sorta like the soldiers, they have a very loving dog-nality (excuse the term. I was going for personality lol). They are very sweet and very loyal.

Kim boy was both. Very sweet and ferocious. Ferocious to people who don't live at home that is. Sweet, well, duh. His favorite person on earth is my dad cause when he was still a puppy, my dad slept on the floor with him. He would clean up his poop, his urine, feed him, bathe him, and all those things. As a child, I really didn't know how to do those. Second would be all of us. He likes staying with us as we eat, and he would stare at you and giving you the impression that he likes what you're eating. As for me, he knows how I hate having saliva on me so he would always come to me and shove his face all over me and then leave.

When my parents were in the States, I was talking to them on Skype and asked my dad to say, "Kim boy" over the phone. Setting the highest volume, Kim, missing my dad so much, ran around the house trying to find where the voice was coming from. That's how he is. That's how passionate he is. That's how he loves us. Whenever I am home alone, I'd stay at the garage, watch tv, smoke some cigarettes and eat. Knowing that I don't like being home alone because I'm fragile, he would stay beside me, watching the gate. He would guard me like that. He does the same for everyone else.

People who don't have dogs (or any pet) and people who have pets just for show will never understand the pain of losing a dog. Dogs aren't just dogs, they're your friend. They, one way or another, become a part of your family. Just like what my brother said on his Facebook account, "You'll always be someone, not something". Kimboy is not just our pet, our guard, our friend, but also our brother.

Now that we have Alex, we have someone to remind us of Kim. She is also a pure breed German Sherperd. She’s 6 months old and she’s also sweet. My mom didn’t have the intention of getting her, but she was very shocked to see the 98% physical similarity with Kim.

Kim boy, wherever you are, we miss you. Wherever you are, please keep on guarding us. We will always have you in our hearts.

Past Days' Paroxysm & Disarray

My friends would usually tease me as being the talktative one in the group. Obviously, being talkative means you have millions of words in your head and you just speak them out. Lately, I can't deny the fact that I still am very talkative when I'm around people; but when I'm alone or in the office, I am literally out of words. I can't even start this entry right.

I've had quite a number of disarrays for the past few days caused by certain extreme emotions. One day I'm too happy, and one day I'm in deep pain. As much as I'd want to remain positive, I'm really stuck in this cubicle full of sadness.

I'm very much on the verge of breaking down every minute because of the passing away of our dog. I am to create a separate entry for him because he is that special.

Having exactly 27 working days left is very thrilling. Having a very nice job offer is very flattering. Having everyone else around is such a blessing.

..all of these things are gifts to make me feel better but as of the moment, I just can't just let go of the pain.

Start of the Journey

SM North Fragrance Consultants: (L-R) Kuya Kenzo (Reymond), Lacoste (Alex), Gucci (Rannie)

Though I cannot put a lot of stuff into detail, I'm very proud that my second client for my Events Photography and Photobooth business is a well known company in the Philippines. It's such a huge step and will serve as a huge contribution to my/our portfolio.

We were hired to setup our photobooth on the second week of May at SM North, and we're currently on our fourth day at SM Megamall. It really feels good to have such a good start for this venture of mine. Of course, just like any other, I have my doubts and fears. But believe me when I tell you that the most effective key to success is courage. In other words, take the risk. Always remember that not taking the risk is the sign of your first failure.

I have big hopes for this business, and I'm working on making them slowly. Leaving my job is my first step.

Cheers to more and bigger events! ✌

SM Megamall Setup

Butuan, Mindanao

Camera: iPhone 5S

My dad was born and raised in the lovely place of Butuan. Well, not this hotel obviously. But this is an example of how peaceful it is in Butuan. I love going to this place because of several things.

1. Fresh air - Well, I guess there's fresh air in different provinces here in the Philippines. Then again, I don't have a province so this is the closest place I have to a province (well, next to Quezon but my mom didn't really grow up there). I was born and raised in Manila and I guess I've been used to pollution all my life. Being in Butuan gives me a different vibe every time. Sure there are a lot of cars there now, but it's just different.
2. Food - It's technically the same. As much as I love pork, beef (steak, to be exact), and chicken, I love fish. My colleagues would always see me buy fish for lunch and think I'm on a diet. Well, no. I just love fish. Fish here in Manila is great, but it's so much better in Butuan because it's fresh. There's nothing better than fresh fish! I would always tell my relatives to prepare my favorite fishes whenever I'm coming home. People shouldn't be surprised if I gain weight whenever I pay a visit to this place.
3. Chill-ness of the place (if there's such a word) - It may be a province, a province 495 miles from the metro, Butuan also has places I'd chill at. Although they don't have Starbucks yet, they now have Bo's Coffee, and of course the very famous (in Butuan) Margie's. I've tried it, and it's nice. I'm not saying this just cause I'm trying to plug this place, but because it really is good. It has that Filipino-taste in coffee: sweet, coffee-ish shiz. Can't really explain it. Margie's also serves cakes and pastries and it's got nice interior. You could visit this link to see the review. If you want more, you could check it out on Google yourself. Besides, they already have milk tea places so I can survive there. Just me, my cigarettes, a cup of coffee, or milk tea. There are also bars and ktv rooms around, if you're gonna ask.
4. Family - Well, growing up, I've always known my dad has 9 siblings (yes, there are 10 of them). But as a kid, I've gotten close to my mom's relatives more because they're geographically closer to me. Most of my dad's siblings and cousins are abroad, or in Butuan. I've been to Butuan as a kid, maybe twice, but I was too young to even care. It's really nice to get to know them because getting to know them means getting to know my roots and surprisingly makes me know myself more. It's funny how a simple vacation at your dad's hometown can make you feel at home in different ways.
5. Butanon / Bisaya - Okay, so I really sound funny when I try to speak in Bisaya. Forgive me, I'm more of a taglish person. I can't even speak straight Tagalog. How on earth do you expect me to fluently speak a dialect I seldomly hear? Silliness aside, I've always been touched by the fact that my dad's proud of me for always trying hard to speak his dialect. In fairness, kasabot na ko ug binisaya. Ga tuon pa ko, kaya gamay lang. Dili na ko ma-loko. Yep, no Google search on that! If ever you're Bisaya and you notice I'm grammatically incorrect, please do correct me. 
6. Culture - We're all Filipinos, but we know that there are certain things that are distinct in one province. Say, Ilokanos are known for being stingy (kuripot), Batangueños for being brave (matapang), and the Pampangueños known for being good cooks. I'd like to say Butuanons are very friendly. Although there are people who still don't know how to smile randomly, most of the people I've encountered greet me with a smile. 
   
   

   
    So there, few reasons why I love going back to Butuan.
   
   
   This photo was shot by me last year, as seen on the lower part of it. This was at our property by the beach. Next time I go there, I'll make sure I have a photo of the property. It's nice to know that when I'm out of budget, I have a beach property some place nice. Though it's not white sand, though it's not known for its clear waters, I know I have a place to go. :)
   
   
   
   

The Astounding Feeling

Hmm. I guess astounding is too much of a word to be used for this entry but I just really wanted to share the weird feeling I felt upon reading a few emails at work yesterday.

First of all, though I've told several of my colleagues that I have filed my resignation, I don't know how there were others I'm not relatively close to who know about it. Oops, my bad. I know how they found out. Lol ;) 

Yesterday, May 5, 2014 is the first day I saw an email that said, "our colleague Tina Cembrano has already resigned and we would like to *insert confidential message here*". Wow, just wow. I am happy that I'm leaving the company and that I am now able to do what I want, but it just hit me that there will be a lot of other things that are important to me in this company that I'll be leaving. I always tell my friends from work that I enjoy working there, but I don't like my job. As odd as it sounds, I also feel odd knowing that I'll be gone soon. I tell myself that I won't be much of a loss since I believe I don't really excel in the industry, but some people tell me otherwise. I even received comments such as "you're smart, just not trying hard enough" and "you don't excel because that's what you tell yourself and you're very distracted". Well, my sincere apologies. Maybe through time, I can really excel. But given all the other opportunities, I don't think I'll find myself falling in love with this job. I just don't see it. But when I come to think of it, I might miss the fact that when I don't have meetings, I'll be in the office, fully air conditioned, I receive my salary twice a month, other incentives, etc.

Before this entry gets longer and gibberish, let me just make it clear that the saddest part of quitting my job is leaving the people I've gotten close to. Though I know that it's going to be easy on my part and theirs to move on, or to get used to not seeing each other every day anymore, but it's just sad. This is just like graduation for me. I'm unsure with the future of our relationship, but I really hope that it will not end.

One Step Closer

I cannot take this anymore. Saying everything I said before.
All these words, they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance.

Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break, I need a little room to breathe.

It's another Monday yet again and all I can think of is my last day of work. I'm very happy to say that I finally know what I want to do with my life. I really don't see myself as an office girl for life, or someone who pleases clients and make someone else rich. I really see myself doing the things I know I love, and make myself rich. 

I am one step closer to making my resignation official. I have explained myself to my supervisor already, and the next step would be to talk to the big boss. In all honesty, I'm more concerned with what my supervisor would say and think than what the big boss might say and think. I only have a business relationship with the big boss so it's a lot easier to break it to him. With my supervisor, I consider her not only as my direct boss but also a big sister. No kidding. She is a very nice person and no one has ever stood as an "ate" to me the way she has. I think her sister being a year younger than me is a big factor to that - I think she somehow sees something in me that reminds her of her sister. To me, well, I don't have a sister. I guess I'll never know how it feels like to have one but thanks to her, I'm close to believing I have one. Although it may be impossible for her to see this post, I know I won't forget to let her know how I feel about her and how I feel about leaving. 

This is my first job since graduation and obviously my first time to resign. When I see/hear my friends resign, I don't understand how "easy" it is for them to do it. It took me a few months to finally advise my boss that I was to resign. Imagine that - months.  Months. How come my friends simply pass their resignation letters? I think my problem is, and always is, me being attached to people. I should do something about that.

...or not? I think that's one thing about me. Although my past experiences don't really support what I'm about to say, but loyalty is very important to me. I can easily forgive someone who has been disloyal to me, given they'd explain why they've done it and actually make me understand their situation, but if I choose to be loyal to you, may you be a friend, a partner, or a colleague, expect me to be loyal. Maybe that's one thing that people like me for. I'm not assuming, okay. I said maybe. ;)

To sum this entry up, I'm just very excited to finally end this journey. It has been one hell of a ride, but I still learned a lot. To all my colleagues who have contributed to who I am now, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Holy Week 2014

So, how was your holy week? I'd like to believe you had a good time.

I spent the holidays at home. I was actually surprised my mother didn't insist on doing the Visita Iglesia last Thursday. I used to find it a bit scary to have Stations of the Cross at home, but I really needed the time to rest and I think my mom understood that so we just prayed at home. It still feels weird and I feel incomplete without going about the tradition but it was fine.

I spent four straight days at home and Last Saturday, I started having fever. It got worse last Sunday, and it caused me to call in sick at work.

 

I'm used to going to different places on Holy Week. I think this is the first time we didn't go anywhere at all. I don't know why, but I feel very, very relaxed and grateful. Although I feel a little envious whenever I see beach posts, then again, with the heat of the sun, even if the water's cold, I don't think I'd want myself to go through that. 

For the past few years, I've been very proud of my faith. The past months, probably because of what I went through, I think I'm having troubles. It's not that I lost faith, it's just that I don't get to pray as often as I did. I'm very disappointed. Although I liked the idea of staying home during the holidays, doing the Visita Iglesia and visiting several churches could maybe help me regain the faith I once had. I really need that quiet time in the House of God. I want to be able to just sit there, stare at Him, and feel Him. Maybe I'll do that in the near future. I really need peace.

Vacation: Necessity or Want?

Hong Kong

Early November 2013, my best friend and I went to Hong Kong just for fun. Well, we're aspiring travelers. We call ourselves the "travel buddies" since this was our third trip abroad together. It was very fun in many ways even though for two days (I think), I had severe headache. When we arrived at the airport, neither of us knew how to get to the hotel. People would think that it was very stressful; given we were "foreigners" in HK, but it was very fun for us. We asked around, and ended up taking two trains to get to the hotel. We finally figured out that we could travel all of Hong Kong using the MTR, so that was what we did the whole time. Food, shopping, and sights were all good.

Boracay

My Boracay trip was on the last week of November 2013 as well. It was my birthday weekend, and me and my family stayed at Shangri-La Boracay. I kept on saying this trip was the cherry on top of my birthday week. It was, actually. We stayed at a 5-Star Hotel, with VIP treatment. What else could you ask for?

Hi, I'm still the depressed me. It's been a good Monday and Tuesday, but nothing's changed. I'm still in this shit hole. I guess this is one of the times I really need to go on vacation. When I'm around friends, I tend to forget my worries. I smile and I laugh. When I'm back home, I'm tired from work; and then I remember what happened last Friday. I'm very desperate for a chance to be away from home, away from the people who hurt me, and reflect on myself. I know I'm in this situation right now because of a stupid mistake that I made, but I still don't get how I've been stepped on too much.

I mentioned my two recent vacations because I remember how my whole self was at peace during these vacays. I've gotten to know more about myself during these times. In Hong Kong, as seen above, we went to The Peak. If you're unfamiliar with it, you are to ride a tram all the way up to see the whole of Hong Kong. Wonderful, right? As I was staring at HK's city lights, the bad experiences I had at work came flashing right back at me. Then I realized how blessed I was to be staring at an astonishing view; and that all my troubles were gone. Not really gone, but I was able to understand all the things I didn't get to understand minutes, hours, days, and weeks after a horrible experience. My trip to Boracay, on the other hand, was a vacation where I was able to have an additional check to my bucket list: dive off a cliff. Yes, I did it! There were three points: 5meters, 10meters, and 15 meters. I was able to jump the 10meter-high cliff, but got pretty scared with the 15. I wanted to, but I guess I wasn't ready at the time. I'm going back sooner or later, and I vowed I'd jump the 15. If I were to describe the feeling while jumping off a cliff, it is a feeling that you won't get from the city. All you can see are blue skies, happy people, free alcohol, blue water, and a happy you. Jumping, although with a little nervousness, helps you release all the bad, sad, and negative things in you and I'm not even exaggerating!

So after another long explanation, I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you're below rock bottom, it is a necessity to go on vacation. Anywhere outside your real world is fine. I'd suggest you go for the beach, cause it's way more than relaxing. The heat of the sun may make you go crazy, but the blue sky, the sand (even if you're not in Boracay), the trees, and mostly the ocean - these will give you a different vibe. It helps you think clearly. Another piece of advice: bring someone who can help you forget the world. Lastly, bring a pack of cigarettes and beer and you're off to a good vacation.

Finding Inspiration

En Route Distillery, Tomas Morato

In life, though we don't realize it, we really need an inspiration. An inspiration to move on, to work, to be happy, and even just to wake up.

This friend of mine is an amazing woman. I've known her since 5th grade, and she's been on the honor roll probably all her life. I don't even know how it became possible for me to have a friend who's an honor student. Before college, I never had the interest in school. Still, we became friends. Her life story may be a very inspiring story if it were to be written in a book, but she's a private person so I may only be one of the very few who could be inspired by her.

The things she has gone through are way harder than the ones I have, yet she still has the strength and courage to strive harder for a better life. For that, I salute you.

I don't know if I have mentioned this to you before, but you honestly serve as an inspiration to me. You juggle up a lot of things: school, work, family, and love. How the hell do you do that? Seriously, with all the things that are happening to me, I only think of you; and how you pulled yourself up from whatever shit hole you've been through. I may not be as expressive as I used to, but that's only because I'm lost. When you were here, I was preoccupied with other things. I know, I should have set it aside for the limited time you were here, but I'm sorry. I didn't have the strength to do so. I was very restless and I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't even start opening it up to you. I'm not expecting you to give me 100% of your vacation because I know there are a lot of people who miss you and want to spend time with you. Sorry for being selfish. I know I'm in deep shit with regards to money, but I promise that the next time you see me, I'll be there. Not you being here.

Thank you for sharing with me bits and pieces of your life. Because of you, I know that I can surpass whatever this is I'm going through. I may not have been the perfect best friend for the past years, but I promise to be better. I love you, and hope you had a safe flight back home.

Life, and all that shit.

I'm 23, turning 24 this year. To some people, I may not have the credibility to write about life. But tell me, who is?

Let me share my perspective about life.

Although I'm on the verge of breaking down due to personal problems, I can still say that I haven't gone through the worst - worst meaning life-threatening, crazy experiences as others may have. I haven't gone through poverty, through a family breakup, bad school experience, molestation, or things as such. I have my own set of bad scenarios, and they're not as bad as others. With this, I thank the Lord.

Now, life. Life is not what others say it is. They always say life is good, life is short, life is a mess, life is bullshit, life is like this, life is like that. I say life is just fair. It gives you the right amount of happiness, and it gives you the right amount of pain as well. To people who say that life is unfair, I guess they make their lives unfair. They make their lives more miserable as it is. I'm actually guilty of this. They say, "fuck my life" when they don't get what they want in a snap. They say FML when they fail their classes. They say FML when their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them. Well, fuck you.

I have this friend who is taking up a medical course. I know it's not easy studying medicine. But there are a lot of doctors out there. Seeing my friend failing his classes annoys me too much. He says he can't do it, and no matter how hard he studies, he still fails. He also said that there's this class where only one passed. I say, if someone passed, then he can. It's as simple as that. Maybe this person exerted a lot of effort to pass. I see this friend of mine, and he drinks with me and the group. Sources tell me that he stays at this internet shop to play games. Where's the effort in that?

I know of someone who curses through life over and over again. Whenever he's stuck in traffic, he would think that the gods hate him too much that they would put him in such jam. I say, wtf.

To set hypocrisy aside, let's talk about me. Whenever there's a bad day at work, I'd want to quit. Whenever someone says I'm ugly, I say I'm ugly. When someone says bad things to me, I take it seriously, and I say, fuck my life. I've got a bad life, and you know the drill.

So okay. Given these details, does it show you how people take life? I think we take life seriously. Life is a joke. Life is a test. You shouldn't have the mindset that whatever you're going through right now will never leave you (wtf, I should be telling this to myself).

© Google

 We're all familiar with this saying: "This too shall pass". The first time I heard about this was when my best friend told me she wanted this for a tattoo. I'm not a tattoo fan, but I guess having this permanently inked to whichever part of your body is a good idea. Constant reminder for you that whether good or bad experience, it'll pass. 

So there. I hope people quit saying life is unfair, life is full of bullshit, and that life is HAPPY. If you keep on telling me that, there will only be two things that will come to my mind. One is that you're a hypocrite, and two, is that you're lying to me.

Which is which?

Okay, so in connection to my previous post, I am humbly admitting that I'm not okay. Not okay, wretchedly unhappy, miserable, melancholic, and all other synonyms you could google. 

Just as Rachel Greene would say,

Photo not mine

So yep, that's me. Allow me to exaggerate the line.

"Today, it's like there's rock bottom, 100 feet of crap, loads of chicken ass, then me."

Not to exaggerate my feelings, but I really feel that way. If you read between the lines of my previous post, this problem of mine involves my family. Yes, I'm saying this in a public portal. Then again, get the fuck off my blog if you judge me for posting this.

Last Friday was one of the worst Fridays of my life. Not only did my sin haunt me again, but I had two important people hate on me all the more. I don't know why I'm being pushed too hard. Okay, first of all, I've already admitted my mistake. Why push even harder? When did I ever deny of committing the mistake I did? Yes, I may have made the mistake of possibly thinking that I wasn't the only one who used it? But I still accepted whatever it is. 

This incident reminds me a lot of my childhood. The way person 1 was missing big events in my life, and always being there in person 2's events. It reminded me of how I always came in "second place", or coming in like the second option. I never really put much thought into this until now. A friend suggested I talk to person 1 and address these feelings; but I said no. First, I think person 1 would think it's irrelevant, and second, I don't think it will make a difference. Why? Because whatever I do, whatever I reach in life, whatever good deed, thing, or action I do, I will always be the second best. Okay, I'll accept that. In fact, I'm the second child. So might as well be second in all cases.

For the first time in my life, I thought of running away. Yes, I think I'm that depressed. Then again, I'm not stupid enough to do so as I have no money of my own. Well, sure I have a job, but it still won't be enough. I may sound like a bitchy daughter, but I just can't live alone for now. My condo, bought by my mom, will be ready by next year. With the amount of money stress I have now, I think I'll be able to save a few before that condo is ready. I'm so excited to live alone, because by then I'd be free from all negative vibes. I'll be free from all the comparison, the tag-teams and all that crap. 

I haven't been a perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and girlfriend. But I know myself; and I know I'm better than the things my family think of me. Yes, I spend a lot of time with my friends. I just wonder: did it ever occur to them that most of the time, they make me feel like shit when I'm home? I guess not.

Another (Long) Rant

For quite some time now, I haven’t really been myself. It’s not that I’m trying to pretend to be someone else, but I’m trying to be someone else. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not doing this to get attention. It’s just that some flaws I have are too much for the people around me and I have no choice but to try to fix it, at the very least.

Since I decided to blog this out anyway, then I’d share at least 70% information about it.

Truth is: I grew up a happy kid. My family is not perfect but not broken, I have an annoying brother (cause brothers are born to annoy and love you), sweet, loving and caring parents & grandparents, good friends, a dozen of Barbie dolls, toys, clothes, shoes, extravagant share of travel, and everything a person could ever desire. I had a pretty comfortable life. I never experienced riding a jeep until my high school friends taught me. Technically, there’s nothing more in this life I could ask for. 

I never learned how to save money, probably because it was always there when I needed it. I practiced saving money when I was a senior in high school because I wanted to buy myself a Fall Out Boy Concert ticket. I managed to save enough money from my allowance to buy me that ticket. Up to this day, I think that ticket was the only thing I have bought using “saved” money. My college allowance was pretty generous, so I would go out a lot and buy me a bunch of unnecessary things. But then again, I was in college. I didn’t have any responsibilities.

I’m turning 24 this year, I’m almost 2 years old at my current job, but it’s very sad that I don’t have any savings. For a first/entry level job, my job pays pretty well. For the rate of the lifestyle I got used to, my salary is far from enough. My salary should be enough for myself. Then again, I lived a pretty luxurious life. Since I started working, my parents never asked me to pay for anything. I’m the youngest in the family therefore I don’t have a sibling to support. How come I cannot get myself to save up a little money?

People around me would always ask me why I’m working given that I don’t like my job, I want to start my own business, and that I don’t need to. I would always answer in return, “Well, whatever wealth you think I have is not mine. I didn’t work for that; my parents did. Therefore I believe that I’d want to have that self-respect knowing that I can do it on my own, and that it is my money. My achievement. Yes, I’d like to have my own business. In fact, it’s going to open pretty soon. The thing is: where did I get the money to start up that business? Until the day I finish “paying” my parents for the capital, I still have this tiny devil in my head that keeps on saying, “this is not your business”.” That’s my reason.

Back to the main reason why I started this entry: If it’s not that obvious, I don’t know how to handle money. I can be good for a while, and then lose the money I have to unnecessary things such as alcohol, cigarettes, clothes, shoes, bags, wallets, watches, lipsticks, pens, and the likes (thank God I’m not into illegal stuff, if you know what I mean). My concern is the fact that I’ve become too capricious that I, though unintentional, used a certain amount of money that I shouldn’t have. It’s really tempting, trust me. Right now, I got rid of this dreadful and sinful “card” that led to this shitload of greed. I’m trying to live a different life for almost three weeks now. “Different” meaning live by my salary, and let go of the few luxuries I have in life.

How hard/easy is it to switch from being careless to careful? In some cases, I find myself in deep paranoia that I’d have to spend Php500 for gas, but don’t mind buying two packs of cigarettes (Php 72 each. I don’t smoke the two packs in a day; I just hate it I lose stocks in my bag) plus candy (Mentos Spearmint, Php24 each). How come I don’t mind paying for my Starbucks coffee (Php 160), but be very careful in spending for a meal worth Php90? This is my point… I really, really, really have to be simple in all ways possible. I have to let go of the unnecessary things I spend my money on. Why go for Starbucks, when I can get a Php 20 worth of coffee which tastes relatively good, and has the same effect? Why buy two packs of cigarettes, when I can buy one, and save money, and my lungs? Why spend Php 2000 on gas in a week, when I can spend less if I ride the train?

This has been a long entry already, but I guess there are just a lot of things in my head and I cannot control myself, just as hard as I couldn’t control my spending.