For quite some time now, I haven’t really been myself. It’s
not that I’m trying to pretend to be someone else, but I’m trying to be someone else. Don’t get me wrong; I’m
not doing this to get attention. It’s just that some flaws I have are too much
for the people around me and I have no choice but to try to fix it, at the very
least.
Since I decided to blog this out anyway, then I’d share at
least 70% information about it.
Truth is: I grew up a happy kid. My family is not perfect but not broken, I have an annoying brother (cause brothers are born to annoy and love you), sweet, loving and caring parents & grandparents, good friends, a dozen of Barbie dolls, toys, clothes, shoes, extravagant share of travel, and everything a person could ever desire. I had a pretty comfortable life. I never experienced riding a jeep until my high school friends taught me. Technically, there’s nothing more in this life I could ask for.
I never learned how to save money, probably because it was
always there when I needed it. I practiced saving money when I was a senior in
high school because I wanted to buy myself a Fall Out Boy Concert ticket. I
managed to save enough money from my allowance to buy me that ticket. Up to
this day, I think that ticket was the only
thing I have bought using “saved” money. My college allowance was pretty
generous, so I would go out a lot and buy me a bunch of unnecessary things. But
then again, I was in college. I didn’t have any responsibilities.
I’m turning 24 this year, I’m almost 2 years old at my
current job, but it’s very sad that I don’t have any savings. For a first/entry
level job, my job pays pretty well. For the rate of the lifestyle I got used to,
my salary is far from enough. My salary should
be enough for myself. Then again, I lived a pretty luxurious life. Since I started
working, my parents never asked me to pay for anything. I’m the youngest in the
family therefore I don’t have a sibling to support. How come I cannot
get myself to save up a little money?
People around me would always ask me why I’m working given
that I don’t like my job, I want to start my own business, and that I don’t need to. I would always answer in
return, “Well, whatever wealth you think I
have is not mine. I didn’t work for
that; my parents did. Therefore I believe that I’d want to have that
self-respect knowing that I can do it on my own, and that it is my money. My achievement. Yes, I’d like
to have my own business. In fact, it’s going to open pretty soon. The thing is:
where did I get the money to start up that business? Until the day I finish “paying”
my parents for the capital, I still have this tiny devil in my head that keeps
on saying, “this is not your business”.”
That’s my reason.
Back to the main reason why I started this entry: If it’s not
that obvious, I don’t know how to handle money. I can be good for a while, and
then lose the money I have to unnecessary things such as alcohol, cigarettes,
clothes, shoes, bags, wallets, watches, lipsticks, pens, and the likes (thank
God I’m not into illegal stuff, if you know what I mean). My concern is the
fact that I’ve become too capricious that I, though unintentional, used a certain
amount of money that I shouldn’t have. It’s really tempting, trust me. Right now,
I got rid of this dreadful and sinful “card” that led to this shitload of
greed. I’m trying to live a different life for almost three weeks now. “Different”
meaning live by my salary, and let go of the few luxuries I have in life.
How hard/easy is it to switch from being careless to careful?
In some cases, I find myself in deep paranoia that I’d have to spend Php500 for
gas, but don’t mind buying two packs of cigarettes (Php 72 each. I don’t smoke
the two packs in a day; I just hate it I lose stocks in my bag) plus candy
(Mentos Spearmint, Php24 each). How come I don’t mind paying for my Starbucks
coffee (Php 160), but be very careful in spending for a meal worth Php90? This is
my point… I really, really, really have to be simple in all ways possible. I have
to let go of the unnecessary things I spend my money on. Why go for Starbucks,
when I can get a Php 20 worth of coffee which tastes relatively good, and has
the same effect? Why buy two packs of cigarettes, when I can buy one, and save
money, and my lungs? Why spend Php 2000 on gas in a week, when I can spend less
if I ride the train?
This has been a long entry already, but I guess there are
just a lot of things in my head and I cannot control myself, just as hard as I couldn’t
control my spending.
