2019 Highlights

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm all about our wedding. But answer this, if you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be?

Sensitivity At Its Best

Some say I'm too sensitive, but truth is, I just feel too much. Every word, every action, every energy goes straight to my heart.

Yes, straight to my heart. When it comes to relationships, and I mean all sorts of relationships - not just the boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship - I can really say that I am highly sensitive. That quote hit me real hard because I have come to realize that yes, everything the people I love do or say really go straight to my heart and that's why my heart often breaks.

I don't remember the last time I have been this emotional and I must say, I'm not enjoying it. I keep on telling myself that I'm being over sensitive about things but I can't help it. I try my hardest to put logic on my feelings but I simply can't... it seems as if my emotions are actually eating up every inch of logical explanation that tries to interfere with them. My God, I just wanna get this over with.

"Sometimes, it's better to keep silent
than tell others what you feel
because it hurts badly when you come to know
that they can hear you,
but cannot understand."

5 Things I Don't Regret

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Most people I come across recently have the "awww" expressions on their faces whenever they ask about the ex. I mean, people, why? 

Most people would say two things: I've wasted my six years, or I wasted my 6-year relationship. Yes people, I get it. I understand where you are all coming from. But let me show you things on my perspective.

1. I don't regret being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person

© tumblr

Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

 Yes, and why would I regret something I know would teach me all the lessons I need to learn? The things I learned throughout the relationship are things I won't read on any book, no friend could ever tell, and no parent could ever teach. Experience is always the best teacher and I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for all those things. I came to realize that my past relationships had to happen so I could prepare myself to be the best girlfriend, fiance, and wife to the right guy.

2. I don't regret being immature at point in time

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Lol. First of all, we were all immature once. With regards to my previous post, yes, I was the girlfriend who would let the boyfriend go on a night out and piss him off. There were even a lot of nights where I wouldn't let him go - which would lead to sneaking out. In other words, lies. 

Along with the immaturity of not understanding that we were 18 and in college, I got jealous of every single girl he meets. I know, why? I don't know. Maybe because I didn't know them at first and just like any other teenage girlfriend, I had this stupid thought in my head where all other girls want my (ex) boyfriend. 

3. I don't regret going back even after being cheated on

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

Yes, there was infidelity involved. It was painful, I'm telling you. It hit my self-esteem so bad. It made me question my worth. It made me question myself. Giving the relationship one more chance was a very tough call for me given that my family and friends were against it. Well, in the name of whatever, I gave it a go. To be honest, the first few months were okay, but we were only human. It wasn't all that magical. As time passed, I thought I had gained back my self-esteem and worth. Well, I was wrong.

4. I don't regret trusting my instincts

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

In relation to my second I-don't-regret entry, I think my instincts were one of the most helpful things in the world. I always felt there was something wrong somewhere. Maybe it took me awhile to listen to my instincts, but they were always right. I don't regret the nights we would fight about something I just felt but don't really have proof. I don't regret hating a girl I don't know and after a few weeks, months, even years, would turn out to be a third party.

5. I don't regret having my heart broken

Breakups are never easy. Whether you're serious or just playing, it's never easy. In a player's point of view, it's hard to breakup with your partner especially if you know s/he is attached to you. In a serious relationship, it's hard to handle breakups especially if you've given your whole self - your thoughts, your past, your everything. But not having to go through a breakup, in my opinion, would be very sad because you wouldn't know the feeling of leaving a person or being left by a person. That sounds absurd, I know. Why would you want to know that feeling in the first place?

Letting people into my life has always been easy. I am generally a nice & friendly person. I'm pretty confident to say that I welcome friendship as soon as I meet somebody I know I have similarities with. Removing people off my life on the other hand is a very difficult thing for me. I'm not the type of person who could easily just say, "okay, you're out. Leave me alone". Nope, that just ain't me. Before I let go of you, I would ask myself again and again if I could still fight for a space for you in my life. When I have come to the point where even the smallest space to be given to you would be choking my life, then you're good to go.

I am happy I have experienced losing a person I spent a big part of my life with. I'm not making it sound like it's an easy thing to go through, but I want to say that it opened my eyes to the reality that it is inevitable to lose someone but that it is also inevitable to get back up, be happy, and move on. It's very easy to say, "I wish it didn't happen", but I'm glad it did. 

Having dated other people, I've grown more cautious of the things that should and shouldn't happen in a relationship. Opening up to another person was a little bit challenging for me, but finding that person who does not disregard my past but understands more than I can ever imagine is definitely what I need.

Experiencing these things first hand, I know now what I want for myself and my future relationship. My understanding for the needs of my boyfriend/husband has broadened and I'm praying that I become a better girlfriend in the future. I have come to understand the need for a "holiday" so I could have time for myself, my family, and my friends, while he could also have the time for himself. I would usually think that having time apart could lead into cheating... but then again, not all men are the same. I know, and I have faith that there is someone who can and will love me faithfully; and most of all, treat me the way I know I deserve.

The Big Boss

February 14, 2003

Valentines Day, 6th Grade.

Max, being Kim's legal name, was my mom's Valentines gift to me and my brother. I was 12 (turning 13) and my brother was 13 (turning 14) when he came to our lives. As mawkish as it sounds, I really feel that the song How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano is one of the songs I dedicate to Kim boy. Seriously, how did he know we needed someone like him in our lives? That there were empty spaces in our hearts? He came at the right time in our lives. I'll never forget how he brought the sun to shine in our lives; and took all the worries and fears that we had.

Kim boy is a pure breed German Shepherd. Before we had Kim, we had Pongo (in the Philippines we usually call his breed the "askal" meaning "asong kalye" or street dog. Otherwise, he's a mutt), Pearly (she was an askal given to me by our neighbor who died after 2 mos), Mikey (another askal/mutt who's still with us now but isn't really friends with anyone), and Bambi (a bulldog who stayed with us only for several months). That's four dogs before him, and he beat them in all aspects. Being probably the most expensive breed of the bunch, he really is the smartest. You would usually see German Shepherds as dogs who smell you/your things upon entering a hotel or a mall, go after bad guys, etc. They're really smart, and they're really guard dogs. Real dogs. Given that they're sorta like the soldiers, they have a very loving dog-nality (excuse the term. I was going for personality lol). They are very sweet and very loyal.

Kim boy was both. Very sweet and ferocious. Ferocious to people who don't live at home that is. Sweet, well, duh. His favorite person on earth is my dad cause when he was still a puppy, my dad slept on the floor with him. He would clean up his poop, his urine, feed him, bathe him, and all those things. As a child, I really didn't know how to do those. Second would be all of us. He likes staying with us as we eat, and he would stare at you and giving you the impression that he likes what you're eating. As for me, he knows how I hate having saliva on me so he would always come to me and shove his face all over me and then leave.

When my parents were in the States, I was talking to them on Skype and asked my dad to say, "Kim boy" over the phone. Setting the highest volume, Kim, missing my dad so much, ran around the house trying to find where the voice was coming from. That's how he is. That's how passionate he is. That's how he loves us. Whenever I am home alone, I'd stay at the garage, watch tv, smoke some cigarettes and eat. Knowing that I don't like being home alone because I'm fragile, he would stay beside me, watching the gate. He would guard me like that. He does the same for everyone else.

People who don't have dogs (or any pet) and people who have pets just for show will never understand the pain of losing a dog. Dogs aren't just dogs, they're your friend. They, one way or another, become a part of your family. Just like what my brother said on his Facebook account, "You'll always be someone, not something". Kimboy is not just our pet, our guard, our friend, but also our brother.

Now that we have Alex, we have someone to remind us of Kim. She is also a pure breed German Sherperd. She’s 6 months old and she’s also sweet. My mom didn’t have the intention of getting her, but she was very shocked to see the 98% physical similarity with Kim.

Kim boy, wherever you are, we miss you. Wherever you are, please keep on guarding us. We will always have you in our hearts.