Sensitivity At Its Best

Some say I'm too sensitive, but truth is, I just feel too much. Every word, every action, every energy goes straight to my heart.

Yes, straight to my heart. When it comes to relationships, and I mean all sorts of relationships - not just the boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship - I can really say that I am highly sensitive. That quote hit me real hard because I have come to realize that yes, everything the people I love do or say really go straight to my heart and that's why my heart often breaks.

I don't remember the last time I have been this emotional and I must say, I'm not enjoying it. I keep on telling myself that I'm being over sensitive about things but I can't help it. I try my hardest to put logic on my feelings but I simply can't... it seems as if my emotions are actually eating up every inch of logical explanation that tries to interfere with them. My God, I just wanna get this over with.

"Sometimes, it's better to keep silent
than tell others what you feel
because it hurts badly when you come to know
that they can hear you,
but cannot understand."

5 Things I Don't Regret

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Most people I come across recently have the "awww" expressions on their faces whenever they ask about the ex. I mean, people, why? 

Most people would say two things: I've wasted my six years, or I wasted my 6-year relationship. Yes people, I get it. I understand where you are all coming from. But let me show you things on my perspective.

1. I don't regret being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person

© tumblr

Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

 Yes, and why would I regret something I know would teach me all the lessons I need to learn? The things I learned throughout the relationship are things I won't read on any book, no friend could ever tell, and no parent could ever teach. Experience is always the best teacher and I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for all those things. I came to realize that my past relationships had to happen so I could prepare myself to be the best girlfriend, fiance, and wife to the right guy.

2. I don't regret being immature at point in time

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Lol. First of all, we were all immature once. With regards to my previous post, yes, I was the girlfriend who would let the boyfriend go on a night out and piss him off. There were even a lot of nights where I wouldn't let him go - which would lead to sneaking out. In other words, lies. 

Along with the immaturity of not understanding that we were 18 and in college, I got jealous of every single girl he meets. I know, why? I don't know. Maybe because I didn't know them at first and just like any other teenage girlfriend, I had this stupid thought in my head where all other girls want my (ex) boyfriend. 

3. I don't regret going back even after being cheated on

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

Yes, there was infidelity involved. It was painful, I'm telling you. It hit my self-esteem so bad. It made me question my worth. It made me question myself. Giving the relationship one more chance was a very tough call for me given that my family and friends were against it. Well, in the name of whatever, I gave it a go. To be honest, the first few months were okay, but we were only human. It wasn't all that magical. As time passed, I thought I had gained back my self-esteem and worth. Well, I was wrong.

4. I don't regret trusting my instincts

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

In relation to my second I-don't-regret entry, I think my instincts were one of the most helpful things in the world. I always felt there was something wrong somewhere. Maybe it took me awhile to listen to my instincts, but they were always right. I don't regret the nights we would fight about something I just felt but don't really have proof. I don't regret hating a girl I don't know and after a few weeks, months, even years, would turn out to be a third party.

5. I don't regret having my heart broken

Breakups are never easy. Whether you're serious or just playing, it's never easy. In a player's point of view, it's hard to breakup with your partner especially if you know s/he is attached to you. In a serious relationship, it's hard to handle breakups especially if you've given your whole self - your thoughts, your past, your everything. But not having to go through a breakup, in my opinion, would be very sad because you wouldn't know the feeling of leaving a person or being left by a person. That sounds absurd, I know. Why would you want to know that feeling in the first place?

Letting people into my life has always been easy. I am generally a nice & friendly person. I'm pretty confident to say that I welcome friendship as soon as I meet somebody I know I have similarities with. Removing people off my life on the other hand is a very difficult thing for me. I'm not the type of person who could easily just say, "okay, you're out. Leave me alone". Nope, that just ain't me. Before I let go of you, I would ask myself again and again if I could still fight for a space for you in my life. When I have come to the point where even the smallest space to be given to you would be choking my life, then you're good to go.

I am happy I have experienced losing a person I spent a big part of my life with. I'm not making it sound like it's an easy thing to go through, but I want to say that it opened my eyes to the reality that it is inevitable to lose someone but that it is also inevitable to get back up, be happy, and move on. It's very easy to say, "I wish it didn't happen", but I'm glad it did. 

Having dated other people, I've grown more cautious of the things that should and shouldn't happen in a relationship. Opening up to another person was a little bit challenging for me, but finding that person who does not disregard my past but understands more than I can ever imagine is definitely what I need.

Experiencing these things first hand, I know now what I want for myself and my future relationship. My understanding for the needs of my boyfriend/husband has broadened and I'm praying that I become a better girlfriend in the future. I have come to understand the need for a "holiday" so I could have time for myself, my family, and my friends, while he could also have the time for himself. I would usually think that having time apart could lead into cheating... but then again, not all men are the same. I know, and I have faith that there is someone who can and will love me faithfully; and most of all, treat me the way I know I deserve.

Another Much Needed Sweet Escape

I'm so happy September's over! Although I want time to slow down since I don't wanna hit November yet, I'm so excited for October! This month will be a very special month for me.

My friends and I have always wanted to go to Boracay altogether but this is the first time it's actually happening in real life. I can't wait to be with them and do such exciting things together. This will be one hell of a ride, I'm sure. I'm still working on my pocket money but I know it'll all be ready once the trip is due. 

As of now, we only have our tickets. Monica told me that we are to book our hotel some time past October 8 so the payment will be on November. I guess that sounds just right. Nevertheless, I won't mind which hotel/inn we're going to stay at. I'm sure we won't be spending time in the room anyways. 

Another thing I have to prepare for is my body. Well, it's October 1; and it's too late to work for that "beach body". I guess I just have to cut down my Starbucks, extra rice, and all unnecessary food intake so I could lose a few pounds before hitting the beach.

Oh my gosh, this entry has been nonsense. Excuse my excitement.

How about you? Any plans for the ber months yet? :)

Questions Towards the End

Created this in Photoshop

How do you really know when you are to end up with someone?

How do you really know when you should stop a relationship that's more of a habit than a real relationship?

Well, I don't have the right to speak for everybody, but I think I can speak for myself. This is a personal entry so it may not be as detailed as it should.

I just came out of a 6-year relationship. I can say that it was both amazing and toxic. If I jump into details, I might be judged and hated by some, even my ex. Let me keep everything simple.

We were friends before we got together. The friendship was good, very good, that you would assume that nothing could go wrong. At least that's what I thought. As years passed, just like in any relationship, we got to know a lot more about each other and I think that's when I can say that I found myself opting out of the relationship.

I am the type of person with a lot of faith. Faith in God and in people. In this public portal of mine, I'd have to say that there were a lot of people who didn't really want to see us together. Yes, and I'm sorry. The people who didn't want to see us together had different reasons and over the years, I tried to fight those reasons - I tried to disregard them because of love. Just as Patty Smith would sing it, "There's a danger in loving somebody too much. It's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust. There's a reason why people don't stay who they are. Baby sometimes, love just ain't enough." I've been into this song since I was in high school and it never really meant something until I reached the point where everything was falling apart.

Writing this entry took me awhile because I don't want you guys to get the impression that I'm perfect or that I never committed mistakes throughout the six years I was with him. In all honesty, I've made a lot of mistakes. Towards the end, I knew there were a lot of things that I should and shouldn't have done, but I just couldn't find the will to do because I was losing hope. My faith in him has fluctuated and I think this is the first time I didn't want to blame myself.

Well, since this is a private matter, I can't really divulge into details which makes this post rather gibberish, but I'd like to let it out since it's been choking me for over a month now. I also wrote this entry to once again explain myself that I have my reasons and I didn't just "throw everything away". Seriously, not that type of person and you should know that.

Over a Month of Whatever

© Compiled the words on Photoshop

I ended my Nexus career last June 30 and I don't think I've ever felt this relieved. Don't get me wrong, I loved working there for quite some time. I think I just reached the point where I realized that there are other things that I'm good at. Besides, I'm pretty sure they didn't need me there. There are other people who deserve that job more than I do.

So it's been over a month now and the words above are somehow the summary of how I've been. I cannot dig deeper for I won't be able to write sane things. Nevertheless, I think I can consider the past month as one of the most exciting months of my life.

Being unemployed and having weekends as my workdays is not really as easy as I thought it would be. There are really days where I have nothing to do. It's good that we have the fishball cart, but it's not enough. Given all my idle time, I can't really avoid to think about anything and everything. It's like I've been given a free retreat but with no supervision by the priests or nuns or retreat masters.

I once read that looking over your life and reflecting about the things you've done so far is a very important task. We often take a lot of things for granted and don't always notice that we're doing it. After a month of whatever, I feel like I've been blessed with time to actually see the things I've done wrong, see the things I've done right, and understand where I should go. Okay, so don't get me wrong. I fully understand everything that's happening to my life right now, and I even know how to fix some broken parts of it. But just as everybody else, I'm only human. Most people would say I'm strong; but most people don't know how I really feel inside. As a flawed human, I sometimes cannot put into words the thoughts and feelings I have inside. I tend to say things that don't really compliment to what I actually feel, so people can really say that I am strong. I don't really blame them if they think I am. Having said that, let me just remind you of a saying that we all know:

Everything is easier said than done.

Okay, so you can shoot right back at me. You can tell me, "Everything is easier said than done. Wanting something is easy. Saying something is easy. The challenge and the reward are in the doing." -- yes, I am fully aware of that too. But how do we really start the "doing" part?

I came across this very interesting quotation on Google, and allow me to share it to you.

As mentioned above, quote is from GOOGLE but I made this on PS

Then it hit me. Which one of the two has actually happened to you, that you started doing? That you started changing? If you ask me, I won't lie. I would go for number 2; that I've been hurt enough that I have to. If you're curious, yes. I believe I've changed. A lot.

If you know me personally, you would know the change that has occurred in me, but I don't know if you're gonna be happy about it or not. Again, some can say that I've finally become tenacious, some can be proud that I've learned to think about myself, some can say I've changed for the worse, and some can say I've changed into the person I used to hate. There will be a lot of words that will be coming out of different people. There will be a lot of unsupported opinions, but I think I have the right to say that it's  hard when you really haven't gone through the things I have and if you have, we are still different people. I will still insist that things are so much easier said than done. I understand that I may have to face more difficult situations if I don't start/stop, but I believe I still have a lot of discerning to do.

Why?

Why am I really wasting your time right now? Why am I writing this entry? Well, it's simple. If I were to be asked to compare myself to one thing, I'd say I'm crap. Yes, that's right. Shit. Defecation. Not that I'm smelly (oh dear God I hope not. I do not spend a long time in the bathroom cleaning myself just to smell like shit), but because I feel like shit. One day, I'm in someone's life, and then the next day just feel like he/she doesn't need me anymore so he/she decides to just get me out of his/her system. When the time comes that he/she feels very bloated, he/she will come begging for more shit but not really to keep it inside but once again, make him/her feel good. And then there's another side to it. I feel like shit for having treated some people differently just because I am realizing a lot of things.

 

s'il vous plaît aidez-moi savoir la bonne chose
je me sens quelque chose de si bon de faire les mauvaises choses

Hardwork • Passion • Success

Made this with an iPhone app | Quote from Google | Added "Take the damn risk"

Over lunch, I was talking to a friend and our topic was all about life. Both of us shared life experiences and thinking about the things she shared now, I only have one line in my head:

The richest people are not employees.

Yeah, well. To whoever will disagree with me, I would really want to have a debate. Nevertheless, I think we all agree. If you search Google for Entrepreneurship quotes, you will see a quote that says, "60-80% of all new jobs come from small businesses". I will take every opportunity to be able to second the motion. If you come to think of it, starting your own business will not only benefit you - it will benefit those who are less fortunate. A simple small-time restaurant would probably have 10 employees at a minimum. That's 10 heads - 10 families you're feeding. Sure it puts a hell lot of pressure on you, but there is no doubt you're going to feel good about it. Here in the Philippines, a small sari-sari store would have at least one employee/helper. That is again, one head, one family. Although the salary is not as big as those of big companies, that is still considered as income. 

 My friend was telling me about a friend whose parents had to go through a lot just to be able to reach their current status. I'm sorry, but the only line I said was, "well it's a good thing his parents decided to start small-scale businesses rather than "work hard" as employees. I can just imagine what they went through - living days with no earnings, and on other days earning too much. It's really tricky; but they never gave up. It makes my inner goddess jump up and down with joy to know they're really doing well now.

Contrary to what I'm writing, my parents aren't businessmen/entrepreneurs. My dad is a professional, being a dentist. My mom is, well, retired. But she used to be someone big at a certain company. I don't know where this passion came from, but I'm pretty sure it got stronger when I entered college. As stated on my previous entries, I have lived a pretty luxurious life. Given that my parents aren't entrepreneurs at that rate, I can just imagine the life I can give to my children when I focus on the businesses I have in line.

Inspiration

To end this entry, here is a short story/interview of one entrepreneur I'm sure would inspire you in any way possible. Source: Entrepreneur.com

As founder and chief shoe giver at TOMS, a retail company with a mission of social entrepreneurship -- Blake Mycoskie launched his company eight years ago intent on giving back. The premise of TOMS was simple: For every purchased pair of shoes another pair would be donated to children in need in 60 countries all over the world.  

The spirit of this trademarked "One for One" philosophy has informed how TOMS has grown, as the company added eyewear to their repertoire and moved into other ventures.

Last year, TOMS Marketplace was launched -- a digital hub that calls attention to similarly socially-minded companies and gives customers an opportunity to shop with a cause in mind.

And this spring, TOMS got into the coffee business, directly trading with the farmers that grow their beans and giving a week of clean water to the communities that need it most for every bag sold.

We caught up with Mycoskie, an award-winning serial entrepreneur, former Amazing Race competitor and the bestselling author of Start Something That Matters, to talk about always putting the customer first and the importance of following your passion, wherever it takes you.

Q: Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently when you were first starting up?
A: I would have never decided to enter a business where only a handful of companies or customers can determine your fate.

Q: What do you think would have happened if you had had this knowledge then?
A: I wouldn't have tried to start a cable network [Reality Central in 2003]. I tried to start a reality TV cable network and ultimately failed, because we could not get necessary distribution on the big cable operator platforms.

Q: How do you think young entrepreneurs might benefit from this insight?
A: Even if you have the best idea in the world and tons of customers that want it, if there is a platform, channel, retailer that will get in between you and your customers, you could have a problem. If they love what you are doing, that's great, but if they don't, you have to figure out a way to get directly to the end user with your product and service. 

Q: Besides inventing a time machine, how would you have realized this wisdom sooner?
A: I would have read more business biographies.  The most successful entrepreneurs who write them are transparent about the mistakes they have made and what you can learn from them.

Q: What are you glad you didn’t know then that you know now? Why?
A: How hard it is to start a shoe business. How hard it is to build a business when you are committed to giving something away every time you sell something in a one-for-one manner, and lastly, how many red eye flights you would have to take to save money on hotel rooms!

Q: What is your best advice for aspiring entrepreneurs?
A: Focus on your passion. Nothing else matters.

-This interview was edited for clarity and brevity.

Let me repeat something in big, bold letters:

Focus on your passion. Nothing else matters.

The Big Boss

February 14, 2003

Valentines Day, 6th Grade.

Max, being Kim's legal name, was my mom's Valentines gift to me and my brother. I was 12 (turning 13) and my brother was 13 (turning 14) when he came to our lives. As mawkish as it sounds, I really feel that the song How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano is one of the songs I dedicate to Kim boy. Seriously, how did he know we needed someone like him in our lives? That there were empty spaces in our hearts? He came at the right time in our lives. I'll never forget how he brought the sun to shine in our lives; and took all the worries and fears that we had.

Kim boy is a pure breed German Shepherd. Before we had Kim, we had Pongo (in the Philippines we usually call his breed the "askal" meaning "asong kalye" or street dog. Otherwise, he's a mutt), Pearly (she was an askal given to me by our neighbor who died after 2 mos), Mikey (another askal/mutt who's still with us now but isn't really friends with anyone), and Bambi (a bulldog who stayed with us only for several months). That's four dogs before him, and he beat them in all aspects. Being probably the most expensive breed of the bunch, he really is the smartest. You would usually see German Shepherds as dogs who smell you/your things upon entering a hotel or a mall, go after bad guys, etc. They're really smart, and they're really guard dogs. Real dogs. Given that they're sorta like the soldiers, they have a very loving dog-nality (excuse the term. I was going for personality lol). They are very sweet and very loyal.

Kim boy was both. Very sweet and ferocious. Ferocious to people who don't live at home that is. Sweet, well, duh. His favorite person on earth is my dad cause when he was still a puppy, my dad slept on the floor with him. He would clean up his poop, his urine, feed him, bathe him, and all those things. As a child, I really didn't know how to do those. Second would be all of us. He likes staying with us as we eat, and he would stare at you and giving you the impression that he likes what you're eating. As for me, he knows how I hate having saliva on me so he would always come to me and shove his face all over me and then leave.

When my parents were in the States, I was talking to them on Skype and asked my dad to say, "Kim boy" over the phone. Setting the highest volume, Kim, missing my dad so much, ran around the house trying to find where the voice was coming from. That's how he is. That's how passionate he is. That's how he loves us. Whenever I am home alone, I'd stay at the garage, watch tv, smoke some cigarettes and eat. Knowing that I don't like being home alone because I'm fragile, he would stay beside me, watching the gate. He would guard me like that. He does the same for everyone else.

People who don't have dogs (or any pet) and people who have pets just for show will never understand the pain of losing a dog. Dogs aren't just dogs, they're your friend. They, one way or another, become a part of your family. Just like what my brother said on his Facebook account, "You'll always be someone, not something". Kimboy is not just our pet, our guard, our friend, but also our brother.

Now that we have Alex, we have someone to remind us of Kim. She is also a pure breed German Sherperd. She’s 6 months old and she’s also sweet. My mom didn’t have the intention of getting her, but she was very shocked to see the 98% physical similarity with Kim.

Kim boy, wherever you are, we miss you. Wherever you are, please keep on guarding us. We will always have you in our hearts.

Past Days' Paroxysm & Disarray

My friends would usually tease me as being the talktative one in the group. Obviously, being talkative means you have millions of words in your head and you just speak them out. Lately, I can't deny the fact that I still am very talkative when I'm around people; but when I'm alone or in the office, I am literally out of words. I can't even start this entry right.

I've had quite a number of disarrays for the past few days caused by certain extreme emotions. One day I'm too happy, and one day I'm in deep pain. As much as I'd want to remain positive, I'm really stuck in this cubicle full of sadness.

I'm very much on the verge of breaking down every minute because of the passing away of our dog. I am to create a separate entry for him because he is that special.

Having exactly 27 working days left is very thrilling. Having a very nice job offer is very flattering. Having everyone else around is such a blessing.

..all of these things are gifts to make me feel better but as of the moment, I just can't just let go of the pain.

The Astounding Feeling

Hmm. I guess astounding is too much of a word to be used for this entry but I just really wanted to share the weird feeling I felt upon reading a few emails at work yesterday.

First of all, though I've told several of my colleagues that I have filed my resignation, I don't know how there were others I'm not relatively close to who know about it. Oops, my bad. I know how they found out. Lol ;) 

Yesterday, May 5, 2014 is the first day I saw an email that said, "our colleague Tina Cembrano has already resigned and we would like to *insert confidential message here*". Wow, just wow. I am happy that I'm leaving the company and that I am now able to do what I want, but it just hit me that there will be a lot of other things that are important to me in this company that I'll be leaving. I always tell my friends from work that I enjoy working there, but I don't like my job. As odd as it sounds, I also feel odd knowing that I'll be gone soon. I tell myself that I won't be much of a loss since I believe I don't really excel in the industry, but some people tell me otherwise. I even received comments such as "you're smart, just not trying hard enough" and "you don't excel because that's what you tell yourself and you're very distracted". Well, my sincere apologies. Maybe through time, I can really excel. But given all the other opportunities, I don't think I'll find myself falling in love with this job. I just don't see it. But when I come to think of it, I might miss the fact that when I don't have meetings, I'll be in the office, fully air conditioned, I receive my salary twice a month, other incentives, etc.

Before this entry gets longer and gibberish, let me just make it clear that the saddest part of quitting my job is leaving the people I've gotten close to. Though I know that it's going to be easy on my part and theirs to move on, or to get used to not seeing each other every day anymore, but it's just sad. This is just like graduation for me. I'm unsure with the future of our relationship, but I really hope that it will not end.

One Step Closer

I cannot take this anymore. Saying everything I said before.
All these words, they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance.

Everything you say to me takes me one step closer to the edge
I'm about to break, I need a little room to breathe.

It's another Monday yet again and all I can think of is my last day of work. I'm very happy to say that I finally know what I want to do with my life. I really don't see myself as an office girl for life, or someone who pleases clients and make someone else rich. I really see myself doing the things I know I love, and make myself rich. 

I am one step closer to making my resignation official. I have explained myself to my supervisor already, and the next step would be to talk to the big boss. In all honesty, I'm more concerned with what my supervisor would say and think than what the big boss might say and think. I only have a business relationship with the big boss so it's a lot easier to break it to him. With my supervisor, I consider her not only as my direct boss but also a big sister. No kidding. She is a very nice person and no one has ever stood as an "ate" to me the way she has. I think her sister being a year younger than me is a big factor to that - I think she somehow sees something in me that reminds her of her sister. To me, well, I don't have a sister. I guess I'll never know how it feels like to have one but thanks to her, I'm close to believing I have one. Although it may be impossible for her to see this post, I know I won't forget to let her know how I feel about her and how I feel about leaving. 

This is my first job since graduation and obviously my first time to resign. When I see/hear my friends resign, I don't understand how "easy" it is for them to do it. It took me a few months to finally advise my boss that I was to resign. Imagine that - months.  Months. How come my friends simply pass their resignation letters? I think my problem is, and always is, me being attached to people. I should do something about that.

...or not? I think that's one thing about me. Although my past experiences don't really support what I'm about to say, but loyalty is very important to me. I can easily forgive someone who has been disloyal to me, given they'd explain why they've done it and actually make me understand their situation, but if I choose to be loyal to you, may you be a friend, a partner, or a colleague, expect me to be loyal. Maybe that's one thing that people like me for. I'm not assuming, okay. I said maybe. ;)

To sum this entry up, I'm just very excited to finally end this journey. It has been one hell of a ride, but I still learned a lot. To all my colleagues who have contributed to who I am now, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Life, and all that shit.

I'm 23, turning 24 this year. To some people, I may not have the credibility to write about life. But tell me, who is?

Let me share my perspective about life.

Although I'm on the verge of breaking down due to personal problems, I can still say that I haven't gone through the worst - worst meaning life-threatening, crazy experiences as others may have. I haven't gone through poverty, through a family breakup, bad school experience, molestation, or things as such. I have my own set of bad scenarios, and they're not as bad as others. With this, I thank the Lord.

Now, life. Life is not what others say it is. They always say life is good, life is short, life is a mess, life is bullshit, life is like this, life is like that. I say life is just fair. It gives you the right amount of happiness, and it gives you the right amount of pain as well. To people who say that life is unfair, I guess they make their lives unfair. They make their lives more miserable as it is. I'm actually guilty of this. They say, "fuck my life" when they don't get what they want in a snap. They say FML when they fail their classes. They say FML when their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them. Well, fuck you.

I have this friend who is taking up a medical course. I know it's not easy studying medicine. But there are a lot of doctors out there. Seeing my friend failing his classes annoys me too much. He says he can't do it, and no matter how hard he studies, he still fails. He also said that there's this class where only one passed. I say, if someone passed, then he can. It's as simple as that. Maybe this person exerted a lot of effort to pass. I see this friend of mine, and he drinks with me and the group. Sources tell me that he stays at this internet shop to play games. Where's the effort in that?

I know of someone who curses through life over and over again. Whenever he's stuck in traffic, he would think that the gods hate him too much that they would put him in such jam. I say, wtf.

To set hypocrisy aside, let's talk about me. Whenever there's a bad day at work, I'd want to quit. Whenever someone says I'm ugly, I say I'm ugly. When someone says bad things to me, I take it seriously, and I say, fuck my life. I've got a bad life, and you know the drill.

So okay. Given these details, does it show you how people take life? I think we take life seriously. Life is a joke. Life is a test. You shouldn't have the mindset that whatever you're going through right now will never leave you (wtf, I should be telling this to myself).

© Google

 We're all familiar with this saying: "This too shall pass". The first time I heard about this was when my best friend told me she wanted this for a tattoo. I'm not a tattoo fan, but I guess having this permanently inked to whichever part of your body is a good idea. Constant reminder for you that whether good or bad experience, it'll pass. 

So there. I hope people quit saying life is unfair, life is full of bullshit, and that life is HAPPY. If you keep on telling me that, there will only be two things that will come to my mind. One is that you're a hypocrite, and two, is that you're lying to me.

Which is which?

Okay, so in connection to my previous post, I am humbly admitting that I'm not okay. Not okay, wretchedly unhappy, miserable, melancholic, and all other synonyms you could google. 

Just as Rachel Greene would say,

Photo not mine

So yep, that's me. Allow me to exaggerate the line.

"Today, it's like there's rock bottom, 100 feet of crap, loads of chicken ass, then me."

Not to exaggerate my feelings, but I really feel that way. If you read between the lines of my previous post, this problem of mine involves my family. Yes, I'm saying this in a public portal. Then again, get the fuck off my blog if you judge me for posting this.

Last Friday was one of the worst Fridays of my life. Not only did my sin haunt me again, but I had two important people hate on me all the more. I don't know why I'm being pushed too hard. Okay, first of all, I've already admitted my mistake. Why push even harder? When did I ever deny of committing the mistake I did? Yes, I may have made the mistake of possibly thinking that I wasn't the only one who used it? But I still accepted whatever it is. 

This incident reminds me a lot of my childhood. The way person 1 was missing big events in my life, and always being there in person 2's events. It reminded me of how I always came in "second place", or coming in like the second option. I never really put much thought into this until now. A friend suggested I talk to person 1 and address these feelings; but I said no. First, I think person 1 would think it's irrelevant, and second, I don't think it will make a difference. Why? Because whatever I do, whatever I reach in life, whatever good deed, thing, or action I do, I will always be the second best. Okay, I'll accept that. In fact, I'm the second child. So might as well be second in all cases.

For the first time in my life, I thought of running away. Yes, I think I'm that depressed. Then again, I'm not stupid enough to do so as I have no money of my own. Well, sure I have a job, but it still won't be enough. I may sound like a bitchy daughter, but I just can't live alone for now. My condo, bought by my mom, will be ready by next year. With the amount of money stress I have now, I think I'll be able to save a few before that condo is ready. I'm so excited to live alone, because by then I'd be free from all negative vibes. I'll be free from all the comparison, the tag-teams and all that crap. 

I haven't been a perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and girlfriend. But I know myself; and I know I'm better than the things my family think of me. Yes, I spend a lot of time with my friends. I just wonder: did it ever occur to them that most of the time, they make me feel like shit when I'm home? I guess not.