The Same Soul, Five Years Later

 Well, hello there. Seems I'm still into blogging after all.

To be honest, I don't think I ever wanted to stop regardless of people shifting to vlogging and short-form content (TikToks, Shorts, Reels). I've always blogged for myself anyways. Maybe there was a time when I wanted this site to boom, but it wasn't much for attention, but more of awareness. Turns out I never was much of a traveller and a foodie to be able to sustain that short-lived dream. Still, I always enjoyed blogging.

There's been a very long hiatus due to a life-changing event -- becoming a mom. At 2021, I gave birth to my first daughter, and as a first time mom, it took all of me. My time, my sanity, my attention, my everything. I barely got to do things for myself; not even journal. Looking back, I'm happy there was a time in my life only devoted to being a wife and a mom. At 2023, I gave birth to my second daughter. Now an experienced mom, I'm proud I've learned a lot about managing my time juggling everything from being a wife, a mom, a homemaker, a daughter, a friend. 

A lot has happened since my last post, including moving to our own space. I've had a two-bedroom condo unit since 2013 but has only been leased out. After my last tenant who basically trashed my unit, we decided to renovate it and live in it. While it's been great living at my husband's family home, being on our own made us feel like we're really a family. Bahay bahayan but real life, ganon. I've had to step up my productivity and responsible game up by a ton, and for four years now, with ups and downs, I'm doing well.

I've also gone back to journaling since 2023, and also back to watching concerts. My parents as major proof, music has always been a huge part of my life. As a mom of two below 6, I pretty much still have a regimented lifestyle. But it's really nice to have some days off to do things I used to do pre-motherhood. It's like finding myself again after losing myself because of motherhood. 

Whenever I get to write in my journal, I discover a kind of creativity in me that I never even knew existed. For the longest time, I never really saw myself as a creative person, but I think I’m slowly learning to accept that maybe, just maybe, I am. And since most of my days are spent with just me and the girls, there are moments when my need for adult conversation suddenly becomes overwhelming. When the words start piling up in my head and feel like they might burst out of me, my journal is always there—quietly waiting, ready to hold everything I need to let out.

2019 Highlights

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm all about our wedding. But answer this, if you were in my shoes, wouldn't you be?

5 Things I Don't Regret

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Most people I come across recently have the "awww" expressions on their faces whenever they ask about the ex. I mean, people, why? 

Most people would say two things: I've wasted my six years, or I wasted my 6-year relationship. Yes people, I get it. I understand where you are all coming from. But let me show you things on my perspective.

1. I don't regret being in a long-term relationship with the wrong person

© tumblr

Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

 Yes, and why would I regret something I know would teach me all the lessons I need to learn? The things I learned throughout the relationship are things I won't read on any book, no friend could ever tell, and no parent could ever teach. Experience is always the best teacher and I wouldn't be who I am now if it wasn't for all those things. I came to realize that my past relationships had to happen so I could prepare myself to be the best girlfriend, fiance, and wife to the right guy.

2. I don't regret being immature at point in time

© Photo from Google; post processed at Photoshop

Lol. First of all, we were all immature once. With regards to my previous post, yes, I was the girlfriend who would let the boyfriend go on a night out and piss him off. There were even a lot of nights where I wouldn't let him go - which would lead to sneaking out. In other words, lies. 

Along with the immaturity of not understanding that we were 18 and in college, I got jealous of every single girl he meets. I know, why? I don't know. Maybe because I didn't know them at first and just like any other teenage girlfriend, I had this stupid thought in my head where all other girls want my (ex) boyfriend. 

3. I don't regret going back even after being cheated on

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

Yes, there was infidelity involved. It was painful, I'm telling you. It hit my self-esteem so bad. It made me question my worth. It made me question myself. Giving the relationship one more chance was a very tough call for me given that my family and friends were against it. Well, in the name of whatever, I gave it a go. To be honest, the first few months were okay, but we were only human. It wasn't all that magical. As time passed, I thought I had gained back my self-esteem and worth. Well, I was wrong.

4. I don't regret trusting my instincts

© Photo from tumblr; post processed at Photoshop

In relation to my second I-don't-regret entry, I think my instincts were one of the most helpful things in the world. I always felt there was something wrong somewhere. Maybe it took me awhile to listen to my instincts, but they were always right. I don't regret the nights we would fight about something I just felt but don't really have proof. I don't regret hating a girl I don't know and after a few weeks, months, even years, would turn out to be a third party.

5. I don't regret having my heart broken

Breakups are never easy. Whether you're serious or just playing, it's never easy. In a player's point of view, it's hard to breakup with your partner especially if you know s/he is attached to you. In a serious relationship, it's hard to handle breakups especially if you've given your whole self - your thoughts, your past, your everything. But not having to go through a breakup, in my opinion, would be very sad because you wouldn't know the feeling of leaving a person or being left by a person. That sounds absurd, I know. Why would you want to know that feeling in the first place?

Letting people into my life has always been easy. I am generally a nice & friendly person. I'm pretty confident to say that I welcome friendship as soon as I meet somebody I know I have similarities with. Removing people off my life on the other hand is a very difficult thing for me. I'm not the type of person who could easily just say, "okay, you're out. Leave me alone". Nope, that just ain't me. Before I let go of you, I would ask myself again and again if I could still fight for a space for you in my life. When I have come to the point where even the smallest space to be given to you would be choking my life, then you're good to go.

I am happy I have experienced losing a person I spent a big part of my life with. I'm not making it sound like it's an easy thing to go through, but I want to say that it opened my eyes to the reality that it is inevitable to lose someone but that it is also inevitable to get back up, be happy, and move on. It's very easy to say, "I wish it didn't happen", but I'm glad it did. 

Having dated other people, I've grown more cautious of the things that should and shouldn't happen in a relationship. Opening up to another person was a little bit challenging for me, but finding that person who does not disregard my past but understands more than I can ever imagine is definitely what I need.

Experiencing these things first hand, I know now what I want for myself and my future relationship. My understanding for the needs of my boyfriend/husband has broadened and I'm praying that I become a better girlfriend in the future. I have come to understand the need for a "holiday" so I could have time for myself, my family, and my friends, while he could also have the time for himself. I would usually think that having time apart could lead into cheating... but then again, not all men are the same. I know, and I have faith that there is someone who can and will love me faithfully; and most of all, treat me the way I know I deserve.

The Big Boss

February 14, 2003

Valentines Day, 6th Grade.

Max, being Kim's legal name, was my mom's Valentines gift to me and my brother. I was 12 (turning 13) and my brother was 13 (turning 14) when he came to our lives. As mawkish as it sounds, I really feel that the song How Did You Know by Gary Valenciano is one of the songs I dedicate to Kim boy. Seriously, how did he know we needed someone like him in our lives? That there were empty spaces in our hearts? He came at the right time in our lives. I'll never forget how he brought the sun to shine in our lives; and took all the worries and fears that we had.

Kim boy is a pure breed German Shepherd. Before we had Kim, we had Pongo (in the Philippines we usually call his breed the "askal" meaning "asong kalye" or street dog. Otherwise, he's a mutt), Pearly (she was an askal given to me by our neighbor who died after 2 mos), Mikey (another askal/mutt who's still with us now but isn't really friends with anyone), and Bambi (a bulldog who stayed with us only for several months). That's four dogs before him, and he beat them in all aspects. Being probably the most expensive breed of the bunch, he really is the smartest. You would usually see German Shepherds as dogs who smell you/your things upon entering a hotel or a mall, go after bad guys, etc. They're really smart, and they're really guard dogs. Real dogs. Given that they're sorta like the soldiers, they have a very loving dog-nality (excuse the term. I was going for personality lol). They are very sweet and very loyal.

Kim boy was both. Very sweet and ferocious. Ferocious to people who don't live at home that is. Sweet, well, duh. His favorite person on earth is my dad cause when he was still a puppy, my dad slept on the floor with him. He would clean up his poop, his urine, feed him, bathe him, and all those things. As a child, I really didn't know how to do those. Second would be all of us. He likes staying with us as we eat, and he would stare at you and giving you the impression that he likes what you're eating. As for me, he knows how I hate having saliva on me so he would always come to me and shove his face all over me and then leave.

When my parents were in the States, I was talking to them on Skype and asked my dad to say, "Kim boy" over the phone. Setting the highest volume, Kim, missing my dad so much, ran around the house trying to find where the voice was coming from. That's how he is. That's how passionate he is. That's how he loves us. Whenever I am home alone, I'd stay at the garage, watch tv, smoke some cigarettes and eat. Knowing that I don't like being home alone because I'm fragile, he would stay beside me, watching the gate. He would guard me like that. He does the same for everyone else.

People who don't have dogs (or any pet) and people who have pets just for show will never understand the pain of losing a dog. Dogs aren't just dogs, they're your friend. They, one way or another, become a part of your family. Just like what my brother said on his Facebook account, "You'll always be someone, not something". Kimboy is not just our pet, our guard, our friend, but also our brother.

Now that we have Alex, we have someone to remind us of Kim. She is also a pure breed German Sherperd. She’s 6 months old and she’s also sweet. My mom didn’t have the intention of getting her, but she was very shocked to see the 98% physical similarity with Kim.

Kim boy, wherever you are, we miss you. Wherever you are, please keep on guarding us. We will always have you in our hearts.

Past Days' Paroxysm & Disarray

My friends would usually tease me as being the talktative one in the group. Obviously, being talkative means you have millions of words in your head and you just speak them out. Lately, I can't deny the fact that I still am very talkative when I'm around people; but when I'm alone or in the office, I am literally out of words. I can't even start this entry right.

I've had quite a number of disarrays for the past few days caused by certain extreme emotions. One day I'm too happy, and one day I'm in deep pain. As much as I'd want to remain positive, I'm really stuck in this cubicle full of sadness.

I'm very much on the verge of breaking down every minute because of the passing away of our dog. I am to create a separate entry for him because he is that special.

Having exactly 27 working days left is very thrilling. Having a very nice job offer is very flattering. Having everyone else around is such a blessing.

..all of these things are gifts to make me feel better but as of the moment, I just can't just let go of the pain.

Start of the Journey

SM North Fragrance Consultants: (L-R) Kuya Kenzo (Reymond), Lacoste (Alex), Gucci (Rannie)

Though I cannot put a lot of stuff into detail, I'm very proud that my second client for my Events Photography and Photobooth business is a well known company in the Philippines. It's such a huge step and will serve as a huge contribution to my/our portfolio.

We were hired to setup our photobooth on the second week of May at SM North, and we're currently on our fourth day at SM Megamall. It really feels good to have such a good start for this venture of mine. Of course, just like any other, I have my doubts and fears. But believe me when I tell you that the most effective key to success is courage. In other words, take the risk. Always remember that not taking the risk is the sign of your first failure.

I have big hopes for this business, and I'm working on making them slowly. Leaving my job is my first step.

Cheers to more and bigger events! ✌

SM Megamall Setup

Finding Inspiration

En Route Distillery, Tomas Morato

In life, though we don't realize it, we really need an inspiration. An inspiration to move on, to work, to be happy, and even just to wake up.

This friend of mine is an amazing woman. I've known her since 5th grade, and she's been on the honor roll probably all her life. I don't even know how it became possible for me to have a friend who's an honor student. Before college, I never had the interest in school. Still, we became friends. Her life story may be a very inspiring story if it were to be written in a book, but she's a private person so I may only be one of the very few who could be inspired by her.

The things she has gone through are way harder than the ones I have, yet she still has the strength and courage to strive harder for a better life. For that, I salute you.

I don't know if I have mentioned this to you before, but you honestly serve as an inspiration to me. You juggle up a lot of things: school, work, family, and love. How the hell do you do that? Seriously, with all the things that are happening to me, I only think of you; and how you pulled yourself up from whatever shit hole you've been through. I may not be as expressive as I used to, but that's only because I'm lost. When you were here, I was preoccupied with other things. I know, I should have set it aside for the limited time you were here, but I'm sorry. I didn't have the strength to do so. I was very restless and I couldn't control my emotions. I couldn't even start opening it up to you. I'm not expecting you to give me 100% of your vacation because I know there are a lot of people who miss you and want to spend time with you. Sorry for being selfish. I know I'm in deep shit with regards to money, but I promise that the next time you see me, I'll be there. Not you being here.

Thank you for sharing with me bits and pieces of your life. Because of you, I know that I can surpass whatever this is I'm going through. I may not have been the perfect best friend for the past years, but I promise to be better. I love you, and hope you had a safe flight back home.

Life, and all that shit.

I'm 23, turning 24 this year. To some people, I may not have the credibility to write about life. But tell me, who is?

Let me share my perspective about life.

Although I'm on the verge of breaking down due to personal problems, I can still say that I haven't gone through the worst - worst meaning life-threatening, crazy experiences as others may have. I haven't gone through poverty, through a family breakup, bad school experience, molestation, or things as such. I have my own set of bad scenarios, and they're not as bad as others. With this, I thank the Lord.

Now, life. Life is not what others say it is. They always say life is good, life is short, life is a mess, life is bullshit, life is like this, life is like that. I say life is just fair. It gives you the right amount of happiness, and it gives you the right amount of pain as well. To people who say that life is unfair, I guess they make their lives unfair. They make their lives more miserable as it is. I'm actually guilty of this. They say, "fuck my life" when they don't get what they want in a snap. They say FML when they fail their classes. They say FML when their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them. Well, fuck you.

I have this friend who is taking up a medical course. I know it's not easy studying medicine. But there are a lot of doctors out there. Seeing my friend failing his classes annoys me too much. He says he can't do it, and no matter how hard he studies, he still fails. He also said that there's this class where only one passed. I say, if someone passed, then he can. It's as simple as that. Maybe this person exerted a lot of effort to pass. I see this friend of mine, and he drinks with me and the group. Sources tell me that he stays at this internet shop to play games. Where's the effort in that?

I know of someone who curses through life over and over again. Whenever he's stuck in traffic, he would think that the gods hate him too much that they would put him in such jam. I say, wtf.

To set hypocrisy aside, let's talk about me. Whenever there's a bad day at work, I'd want to quit. Whenever someone says I'm ugly, I say I'm ugly. When someone says bad things to me, I take it seriously, and I say, fuck my life. I've got a bad life, and you know the drill.

So okay. Given these details, does it show you how people take life? I think we take life seriously. Life is a joke. Life is a test. You shouldn't have the mindset that whatever you're going through right now will never leave you (wtf, I should be telling this to myself).

© Google

 We're all familiar with this saying: "This too shall pass". The first time I heard about this was when my best friend told me she wanted this for a tattoo. I'm not a tattoo fan, but I guess having this permanently inked to whichever part of your body is a good idea. Constant reminder for you that whether good or bad experience, it'll pass. 

So there. I hope people quit saying life is unfair, life is full of bullshit, and that life is HAPPY. If you keep on telling me that, there will only be two things that will come to my mind. One is that you're a hypocrite, and two, is that you're lying to me.

Which is which?

Okay, so in connection to my previous post, I am humbly admitting that I'm not okay. Not okay, wretchedly unhappy, miserable, melancholic, and all other synonyms you could google. 

Just as Rachel Greene would say,

Photo not mine

So yep, that's me. Allow me to exaggerate the line.

"Today, it's like there's rock bottom, 100 feet of crap, loads of chicken ass, then me."

Not to exaggerate my feelings, but I really feel that way. If you read between the lines of my previous post, this problem of mine involves my family. Yes, I'm saying this in a public portal. Then again, get the fuck off my blog if you judge me for posting this.

Last Friday was one of the worst Fridays of my life. Not only did my sin haunt me again, but I had two important people hate on me all the more. I don't know why I'm being pushed too hard. Okay, first of all, I've already admitted my mistake. Why push even harder? When did I ever deny of committing the mistake I did? Yes, I may have made the mistake of possibly thinking that I wasn't the only one who used it? But I still accepted whatever it is. 

This incident reminds me a lot of my childhood. The way person 1 was missing big events in my life, and always being there in person 2's events. It reminded me of how I always came in "second place", or coming in like the second option. I never really put much thought into this until now. A friend suggested I talk to person 1 and address these feelings; but I said no. First, I think person 1 would think it's irrelevant, and second, I don't think it will make a difference. Why? Because whatever I do, whatever I reach in life, whatever good deed, thing, or action I do, I will always be the second best. Okay, I'll accept that. In fact, I'm the second child. So might as well be second in all cases.

For the first time in my life, I thought of running away. Yes, I think I'm that depressed. Then again, I'm not stupid enough to do so as I have no money of my own. Well, sure I have a job, but it still won't be enough. I may sound like a bitchy daughter, but I just can't live alone for now. My condo, bought by my mom, will be ready by next year. With the amount of money stress I have now, I think I'll be able to save a few before that condo is ready. I'm so excited to live alone, because by then I'd be free from all negative vibes. I'll be free from all the comparison, the tag-teams and all that crap. 

I haven't been a perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, and girlfriend. But I know myself; and I know I'm better than the things my family think of me. Yes, I spend a lot of time with my friends. I just wonder: did it ever occur to them that most of the time, they make me feel like shit when I'm home? I guess not.

New World

I was browsing through my photos and I saw this. This was a friend's 18th party; and I'm pretty sure you all know how crazy this night turned out to be.

I decided to blog about the different things I went through after graduating.

When I graduated, I had the easy life. I traveled with my best friend, I visited my dad's homeland, my family and I went to different tourist spots, etc. I didn't look for a job immediately because I really didn't need to. I kept on telling my mom (who was nagging me to open up another business) that I want to get a job first just so I'd be able to appreciate things more. You know, like what I always say on my blogs. 

Around this time last year, the HR personnel of our company texted me and asked if I wanted to go for an interview for Product Specialist. First thing I did was google the company and the position. Obviously, the interview went well and I started working a few weeks after. My first week was fine. I think the only thing that bothered me then was the early wake up time. I used to wake up around 10-11AM. When I started working, it had to be 5AM since I live far from Makati. Until all the different issues came.

• Loss of time with boyfriend/friends -- this was a big deal to me cause as stated on my previous blogs, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were both culture-shocked with my new environment and he kind of needed to look for other things (lol)
• Parties -- I was never really the type of person who go to parties every week. I see to it that I do at least twice a month but when I started working, I lost that chance. Since my body has already adjusted, I can go to parties once in a while again
• Sleep -- Since I've been trying to joggle my time with my family, boyfriend, friends, social life, and work, I'm left with no sleep. Sometimes I just feel very high in the office because of lack of sleep. I try to sleep before midnight most of the time, but there are just so many things to do, so many people to talk to, and so many games to play (hihihi)
• Money -- this is what I am proud of. Bragging aside, I don't really need the money I'm getting from my job. But since I get it twice in one month, I am, little by little, learning how to save up and appreciate money.
• Appreciation -- Given that I grew up spoiled, I never really thought of the things my parents did for me. Maybe I did, it just so happened that I never understood what they were trying to say about getting the money they share with me. Now, I do. :)

Given all this, and if you add all my posts regarding my employment, I guess you could say I'm doing well. I want to be better than what I am now, and finally be able to open up the businesses I've been dreaming about. ☺

My First Express Way Try

About to pay the toll

January 11, 2013

This was our department's Kick Off thing. We had budget for a kick off thing because we won the best video thingy during our Christmas Party. The kick off was held in Laguna. I had the choice not to bring a car but I wanted to go home straight after so I decided to bring a car.

I haven't really tried driving at an express way. The farthest I have driven would be Makati. In college, Katipunan wasn't really a challenge. Driving along SLEX was fun but very unpredictable, especially with the rain. Everything was smooth, everything was fast. My first was very challenging cause I didn't have my dad beside me or the driver telling me what to do next. I've been driving for almost 6 years now but I'm still a panic driver. To my surprise, I enjoyed having 60kph as the minimum speed. Boo you, Commonwealth. It's so much fun driving with 60kph as the minimum!

To sum it up, I had fun. More road trips please?

There's always a first

Today, August 15, 2012, is my first time to feel that I am part of the corporate world. I never wanted to be part of it, in fact I wanted to avoid it. But then again, things don't always go as planned. I took the job because I wanted to, not because I feel regretful of waking up at 2PM everyday, doing nothing at home. I wanted to work for this company because I wanted personal growth, I wanted to see how a company works in real life (apart from things I've learned in school which is so different), and most of all, I wanted to see if I could be someone I never thought I would be.

Today's my 5th day at work and today, I attended a meeting. My first "corporate" meeting. It went well; actually better than I expected. I didn't know I would enjoy attending this. I thought I would freak out. I thought I would humiliate myself. -- I thought of the worst things. I was so relieved afterwards because I surprisingly turned out okay. In fact, I am looking forward to more meetings.

I am part of the Sales Department and I am going to make client calls - talk to different people from different companies. I believe I can deliever well, but I need training first. I believe that by next week, I'd have my first call, but I'm grateful that my boss will come with me. She will guide me for two weeks and after that, I'm on my own. Oh. My. Gosh. This is it. This is the moment. I have to work harder and gather more confidence so I'd be able to close a deal. Yeah, I think I can do that.

Well, kudos to my first meeting. They provided free Starbucks and I pretty much expected that.

Korea 2012

I don't know how to begin describing how my trip went. Even when I was there, I couldn't explain to myself what I was feeling at the moment. I think one of the reasons why my trip became one of the best trips is Nika. My oh my, you're no boring person, my friend!

In case we haven't mentioned it enough, our first trip abroad was in Bangkok, last 2009. That was my course's thing, but the chairperson allowed her to join because we needed at least one more person to come or else we'll pay more. The Bangkok trip didn't seem like it was a school thing because after attending a Culinary competition for approximately two hours, we already had our free time. Free time means shopping. Just imagine 2-3 days of shopping with your best friend abroad...how would you feel? This year, we went to Korea for no reason (except for the fact that we both just graduated and we always wanted a part two abroad). It all started with one ride to school.

Tina: Nika parang gusto kong pumunta ng Korea. Tara punta tayo!
Nika: Oh my God Tina pupunta kami nila mama sama ka nalang samin!

...and there it was. One random conversation became the real thing. It's not that we think we're so cool; travelling abroad together and stuff. We just really wanted to go.

(I will not post all the photos cause this will be an ass long entry. Instead, I'll post some of my favorites and put the rest in a slideshow)

Koreaaa - slide show